7 Ways Not to Use Commas

Comma rules? I don’t need no stinkin’ comma rules. I use my ear to determine whether or not I need a comma. If there is a pause, I insert a comma.

Honestly, that was my thinking in my naive, younger days. If it’s also your approach, let me recommend you think again. The comma-by-ear method doesn’t work — at least not consistently. I inevitably inserted unnecessary commas all over the place. My beloved proofreading wife (who is good at many things, including the finer points of comma usage) would patiently eradicate my many needless commas, and eventually convinced me to learn the rules myself.

Take my advice: learn the rules. There are only eleven rules for using commas. At the very least, it will make you incrementally superior to the billions of earthlings who do not know them!

And to help still further, here are seven rules for not using a comma (even if your ear tells you otherwise):

1. Don’t use a comma between the subject and its verb*.

Nope:  Francis, aimed his crossbow at the pterodactyl and fired.
Yup:  Francis aimed his crossbow at the pterodactyl and fired.

*An exception would be if a non-essential phrase or clause is inserted between the subject and verb. Even in this case, however, the commas serve to set off the phrase or clause, not merely to separate the subject and verb.

Example: Francis, an excellent marksman, aimed his crossbow at the pterodactyl and fired.

2. Don’t use a comma between compound subjects or between compound verbs.

Ugh: My plumber, and my dentist play bocce together on Wednesdays.

Ahh: My plumber and my dentist play bocce together on Wednesdays.

Yuck: Alex reached for the remote control, and knocked over the lava lamp.

Yum: Alex reached for the remote control and knocked over the lava lamp.

3. Don’t use a comma between items in a list if there are only two.

Uh-oh: Sarah brought nacho chips, and plastic spoons to the hoedown.

Mm-hm: Sarah brought nacho chips and plastic spoons to the hoedown.

4. Don’t use a comma to connect two clauses if the second clause is subordinate (i.e., dependent).

Frowny face:  Mrs. Johnson’s garden was ruined, because rabbits nibbled her cucumbers.

Smiley face: Mrs. Johnson’s garden was ruined because rabbits nibbled her cucumbers.

5. Don’t use a comma before a prepositional phrase.

Boo: I signaled to the mayor about the mustard, on his lip.

Hooray: I signaled to the mayor about the mustard on his lip.

6. Don’t use a comma after and or but.

Hiss!: During our nursing home visit, I challenged old Mrs. Blanton to some arm wrestling and, she only beat me three out of five rounds.

Huzzah!: During our nursing home visit, I challenged old Mrs. Blanton to some arm wrestling, and she only beat me three out of five rounds.

7. Don’t use a comma before a list.

Buzz!: Three of my favorite pastimes are, gerbil juggling, plant watering, and gargling.

Ding-ding-ding!: Three of my favorite pastimes are gerbil juggling, plant watering, and gargling.